Hamburgler, Fry Kids Rounded Up for Questioning
ROCKVILLE, MD– Local man Greg Hughes, 27, announced Tuesday that he will be suing the McDonald’s Restaurant Corporation after receiving second-degree burns and severely damaging his cornea as a result of attempting to forcefully insert a McDonald’s hamburger into his right eye.
“The restaurant failed to provide adequate warning,” said Hughes. “I thoroughly read all of the warning information for my hamburger, and nowhere did it warn me that a forceful burger eye insertion might be a bad idea.”
Hughes’ lawsuit is yet another in a disturbing trend of food-warning-related lawsuits against McDonald’s. The news that burgers are bad for your eyes leaves customers wondering if perhaps there are other unforeseen dangers lurking in fast food.
“I used to feel safe when I ate at McDonald’s,” said Crumpet resident Kathleen Turner, “But these days I find myself wondering, ‘Is it really safe to fill my inner ear with sweet and sour sauce?’ and ‘Is jabbing these coffee stirrers into my kidneys not promoting good dietary health?’ and ‘What would be a good third comedic question for me to ask now?’ These are the sort of things that I just can’t know if I’m not explicitly warned.”
“These allegations are completely ridiculous,” said Ralph Alvarez, McDonald’s CEO, “Our burgers are one hundred percent eye-friendly. This lawsuit is no reason for anyone to stop forcefully inserting any of our fine products into their eyes. Also, prior to our addition of a warning, our hot coffee was not in fact hot and hence burning oneself with it was an impossibility.”
“Goddammit,” continued Alvarez, “I’m so tired of this shit. At this rate, it’ll be two weeks before we have someone suing us because we didn’t warn them not to run red lights while shooting heroin from a dirty needle they found in the playscape.”
When asked for further comment, Hughes only replied, “Arrrrrr, matey,” and pointed at his eye patch to indicate how funny it was.